Love in Interpersonal Relationships Lecture by Dr. Alan D. DeSantis My Favorite Romantic Drama Six Types of Love From Lee (1976) My Favorite Classic Romance The Theory of Love Types 1. We have all of these 6 love types in our relationships 2. What separates us is the degrees of each (each person is different) 3. Degrees can change with time In 10 years, #6 is largest / #4 is smallest
6 1 5 4. Every relationship we have may differ: In your first relationship, you are insecure & passionate (Because s/he was non-committal & sexual) In your next, you are calm & relaxed (Because s/he was nurturing and warm) Key: Others make us who we are in relationships 2 4 3
My Chart 1) Eros Love Highly passionate, sexual, & intense Often Believe in: Love as Magical Love as fate Love at first sight Very American Movie: Titanic / Romeo and Juliet / Ghosts / Sweet Home Alabama / Natural Born Killers / Princess Bride / Sleepless in Seattle / Snow White, Sleeping Beauty
& Cinderella Hollywood loves eros love! 2) Ludus Love The Players love Will often: Keep their passions in check
Avoid trouble and intensity Feel uncomfortable about commitment Keep secrets Have affairs Remember, we all have a little ludus in us When a relationship gets too intense (or is no longer fun), they leave Movie: Great Expectations / St. Elmos Fire / Cruel Intentions / Dangerous Liaisons Hollywoods Formula: Ludus plays with Eros-Eros is crushed 3) Storge Love Peaceful and slow Not passionate and intense Friendship is key
Difficult to separate from friendships This love . . . Develops over time Endures long periods of inactivity or excitement Lacks the heat of eros and the games of ludus Movie: Harry Met Sally / The Wedding Singer / My Best Friends Wedding / Shrek / Youve Got Mail / Beauty and the Beast / 2 Weeks Notice / How To Lose A Guy / Tootsie 4) Pragma Love
Practical Looking for types Parents, $, race, nationality, family, etc. Love is logical & More stable Not magical, but rational Movie: Pretty Woman / Bridges of MC / As Good As It Gets / Shakespeare in Love / Big Fat Greek Wedding / Grease / Maid in Manhattan / Notting Hill Hollywood Formula: Woman settles for pragma love--but is unhappy 5) Mania Love
Extreme highs and lows Jealousy Obsessive Self-worth comes from the relationship Nothing else matters Movie: Fatal Attraction / Something About Mary / American Beauty / The Crush / Memento / Taxi Driver / Swim Fan Hollywood Formula: slashing tires, stalking, going into exile, drinking, etc..
6) Agape (Alan) Love This love is . . . Compassionate Selfless Egoless No concern for personal reward or gain Want the best for the other person Movie: Forrest Gump / Man Love a Women / John Q / Casablanca / Test Time
Take out pen and paper Number your paper from 1 to 24 Select one relationship to analyze Past or Present Be honest---these will NOT be collected! Love It!!
1) My lover and I have the perfect physical chemistry between us 2) I feel that my lover and I were truly meant for each other (fate) 3) My lover and I really understand each other (soul mates) 4) My lover fits my ideal standards of physical beauty (my idea of a 10) 5) I try to keep my lover a little uncertain about my commitment to him/her 6) I believe that what my lover doesnt know about me wont hurt him/her (I keep secrets)
Love?? 7) It is important that our relationship is fun and exciting 8) When my lover gets too dependent on me, I want them to back off 9) To be genuine, love must develop over time (not an over-night thing) 10) I expect to always be friends with my lover
11) Our love is really a deep friendship, not a mysterious, mystical emotion 12) Our love is the most satisfying because it developed from, and is based on, a deep caring relationship Too Sappy 13) In choosing my lover, I believed it was best to love someone with a similar
background 14) A main consideration in choosing my lover was whether my family would approve 15) An important factor in choosing a partner is whether or not he/she would be a good parent 16) One consideration in choosing my lover was what career he/she selected 17) When things arent right with my lover and me, my stomach gets upset 18) Sometimes I get so excited about being in love with my lover that I cant sleep I Dont Get It? 19) When my lover doesnt pay attention to me, I feel sick all over (emotionally, physically, etc.)
20) I cannot relax if I suspect that my lover is with someone else 21) I try to always help my lover through difficult times 22) I would rather suffer myself than let my lover suffer 23) When my lover gets angry with me, I still love him/her fully and unconditionally 24) I would endure all things for the sake of my lover Gotta Love the 80s Calculating the Results:
Statements 1-4 are Eros 5-8 are Ludus 9-12 are Storge 13-16 are Pragma 17-20 are Manic 21-24 are Agapic Not All Love Is Healthy Love Highlight your high and low brackets 3 to 4 Trues or Falses are Markers Now What? 1) What do these findings tell you about yourself? Illuminate Mistakes?
Illuminate Successes? Do you wish you could make different decisions about love? 2) Do it again with another love in mind See how they differ 3) Have your boy/girlfriend take the test with you Im Embarrassed General Findings I. National Findings on Love Test
A. Men: Eros and Luduc B. Women: Manic, Pragma, and Stroge C. Age and Evolution Eros and Mania are young loves In time, couples grow into Stroge and Agape love YUK!! General Research II. National Statistics on Love and Sex A. Infatuations First infatuation (W: 13 / M: 13.6) First love (W: 17.1/ M: 17.6) B. Gender and VirginityWomen Sooner Average age for 1st time sex: 16 W / 17 M % of virgins 18-24 years: 6.2% W / 10.8% M
Notice: Sex comes before love Note: Since oral sex is not considered sex, figures are misleading Many still consider themselves virgins even after multiple oral partners General Research III. Romantic Love (believe it or not) A. Married men have a more romantic concept of love than their wives Men believe in love at first sight more More men believe love can overcome anything B. Twice as many women would marry for reasons other than love In 1965, 75% of women said they would marry a man they did not love if he fit the bill in other ways Today, only about 10% of American women say they would (Whitehead, 2003)
49% in Indians 51% in Pakistan III. Romantic Love (cont.) C. After divorce, Men are more likely to get re-married And sooner D. Married men are psychologically and physically healthier, but not so for women Reason 1: Without their wives, most men have no support system and no one to talk to about lifes stresses Men are 8 times more likely to commit suicide after divorce Reason 2: Women do most of the work in most relationships (even when both are
working outside the home) General Findings IV. Age, Love, and Sex (1999 AARP Survey) 60% of couples 45-60 years old report having sex once a week (the average for all couples) 20% over 75 report having sex once a week After 50 years of age, men become more romantic; women become more sexually assertive Majority of couples over 55 report finding their significant other more romantic and attractive Beautiful Film
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